Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

This is what makes twitter great

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.