Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.