Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.