Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
it was a valiant fight
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.