Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

😐

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox