Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Stonehinge

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Am getting real tired of your crap…

🦝🔥🦝🔥

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone