Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.