yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.