Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well