Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
You Might Also Like
shazam but for random noises outside
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Let’s Go
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose