Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
You Might Also Like
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
The Punning Dead.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.