Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.