Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

We avoided this particular disaster

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT