Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

This kinda thing happens to me often

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

are they though??

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

I found your tweet-up…

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana