Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
Twitter is an abusement park.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I need better friends
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.