Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
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me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Check your privilege
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR