yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
