yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’ve been drinking.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
