yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
mechanics be like
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
