yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
🙋♀️
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
