yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
