Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.