Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door