Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Stop it! 😂

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

The median voter

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

When you let grandma cat sit

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?