Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
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Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Ha.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Barbie gone wild
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew