Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.