Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.