Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.