Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.