Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!