Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
You Might Also Like
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
good morning
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Happy Febuary everyone!