Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Nice try, poison.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying