Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?