Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
You Might Also Like
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I forgot how to panic. Help
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight