Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.