@Jarhead44

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

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@MatCro

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@Sassafrantz

Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?

@EyalTweet

Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of!

Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.

@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

@prufrockluvsong

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

@arcaduh

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

@dannyboy7813

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

@lawyerthoughts

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.