Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You Might Also Like
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
This makes total sense…
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
me
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.