Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me after i passed that state trooper
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Baking is just science you can eat.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t