Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You Might Also Like
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Two types of dogs.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
🤣🤣
