Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.