@nami_knows

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

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@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@DavidAdt1

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@golubeerji

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

@wildethingy

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

@becabird

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

@Reverend_Scott

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????

“OMG HOW”

???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????

@hyperblastchic

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.