Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

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gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs


gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs


Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.


I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.


Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.


My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.


If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”


[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

?????? ??? ????


???? ?? ? ???? ??????? ????


Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*


I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.