Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Isn’t
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.