Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together