Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Good news
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
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Biden: Okay.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry