Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
When the stylist spins you back around
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.