Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches