Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.