Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Oops 🤭

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

How to find Kentucky on a map

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)