Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
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I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
my astrological sign is a french fry
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer