Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.