Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
when dads have a rap battle
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color