Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow