Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi