Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

Tremendous stuff

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me: