Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?