yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”