Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones