yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet