Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

THE AUDACITY. 😤

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

🤔😂😂

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future