Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
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Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
What a chick magnet..
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.