Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it