Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Science is fun!
#nottrue
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.