Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*