Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.