Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.