Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
The prophecy is fulfilled
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”