Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?