Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.