Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH