Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
guilty
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.