Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
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I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Same pineapple, same
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?