Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
it was love at first sight
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?