@LostFelicia

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

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@murrman5

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

@SparkNotes

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

@Mr_Kapowski

It doesn’t matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it’s charging you

At that point, it’s irrelephant

@man_spach

I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.

@JustMeTurtle

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

@UnFitz

Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.

@chuuew

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th