Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.