Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.