Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
what day is it?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.