Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Woke up against my better judgement again
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this