Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Blew out my flip flop…
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
